about life

Lately life has been interesting. its not that its been fast paced, overwhelming or tokyo-ish, thats not why. i live out in a totally different prefecture from tokyo, which is the chiba prefecture. it is still the greater tokyo metro area, but not tokyo central with all its amazing nagameguro, shimokita, shibuya, shinjuku, harajuku, rippongi, ueno and so on. what has been interesting is the way that i am dealing with being here. or rather, what is happening internally while here.

i feel like i am growing somewhat. possibly a cliche for someone from new zealand (or anywhere) who has traveled to other, distant places. but i am not 20 or even 25 and i have been there and done that with the whole o.e. thing. so that is not what it is about. its more like some kind of relief work, a cutting away of the small things that need not be there anymore, where i feel the effects of what happens around me acutally shape the physical reality of who i am. i guess they could be called light-bulb moments, or epiphanies, realisations. but they are not just realisations because i actually feel changed afterwards. physically, but in an internal way.

often, in my life when i experience these things, i have been reading some great book. i think that it is to do with timing and my frame of mind as much as what i am reading, and of course, sometimes i need not read anything and still i experience change. but often a great work of literature; the words of a woman or man who has thought beyond the realm of what i am capable of thinking, opens up a new way of looking at myself, and thinking about the world. surely not a new thing for anyone who reads? so yeah. but ... its different this time and i dont know why. i guess.... i just feel .....i dont know.

so often i feel the intimacy and warmth of my private thoughts, resounding, reverberating against the massive feeling of cold insignificance that seems to be in the world. and insignificance isnt even the right word .... i dont know if there IS a word in english for it. it is that i know we are not insignificant, but when you look yourself in the eye and truely let your heart feel what it feels about who you are, why you are, where you are, that there is no answer! that no matter what you feel, there is no resolution, there is no object, human or otherwise that can solve the deep longing i feel.